to digest, don’t spike your blood sugar,
and am even more likely to lower your
cholesterol. You’ll find my steel-cut
grains sold by Bob’s Red Mill, Quaker,
and McCann’s. Less healthy: Ameri-
cans have dessert-ified me via sugary
versions filled with maple syrup and
the like that put me in a class with the
rest of your sweet breakfast foods.
The best way to get a perfect bowl of
me has been the subject of a 25-year
experiment out of the land of my most
loyal eaters. In 1994, the 600-person
Scottish village of Carrbridge ar-
ranged a competition among cooks
in hopes of bringing their tiny town
some visitors. Contestants were given
30 minutes to make the best steel-cut
oats they could, using nothing more
than me and some salt and water.
The event was a hit and became, of
all things, the World Porridge Mak-
ing Championship, now attended by
the oatmeal champions of the United
States, Russia, Finland, and more, all
vying for the now-famous Golden
Spurtle award. You may have read
about it on your bag of Bob’s Red Mill
oatmeal; Bob himself was a winner.
You would think there couldn’t pos-
sibly be that many ways to cook a sim-
ple grain, but the contest reveals that
I have remarkable range. From chewy
to juicy to tender, from nutty to carby,
it all depends on the quantities of each
ingredient, the water, and the cook’s
predilections. And yet, one judge re-
veals that the winners have methods
in common: They slowly stirred their
oatmeal for the full 30 minutes of the
competition, making it velvety. They all
boiled me down until I was thick and
smooth, finding that my best self has
a pourable consistency. Essentially, I
should not stick to the spoon or rather
the spurtle. Yes, that’s the kitchen tool
invented solely for stirring me, pretty
much a straight stick and nothing more
(but I still delight in its very existence).
Dr. Johnson may not have seen my
popularity coming, but I appreciate all
signs of how beloved I’ve become. In
cities here and in Europe, there are
restaurants where all you can order is
me with the toppings of your choice.
Imagine that. I’m now the headlining
ingredient in modern-day eateries,
despite having started as a meal fit
only for horses.Kate Lowenstein is the editor-in-chief
of Vice’s health website, Tonic; Daniel
Gritzer is the culinary director of the
cooking site Serious Eats.Broke Detector
I’m well prepared for a cashless society.
Having kids already has me there.
@kentwgrahamrd.com 41I Am the Food on Your Plate