The Doctor Is
In(sane!)
By Simon Rich
from the book hits and missesGetting medical treatment is never fun, except on April 1
dr. #1: You wanted to see me, sir?
dr. #2: Yes, Dr. Metzger. I’m afraid I’ve
got some bad news. I’ve been receiving
complaints from your patients, and I’ve
decided I can’t allow you to make April
Fools’ jokes this year.
Oh my God.
I know you’re disappointed, but my
mind is made up.
What about the one where I tell the
patient I’m out of anesthetic?
No.
What about the one where I put on a
janitor’s outfit, grab a scalpel, and
walk into the operating room just as
my patient loses consciousness? So
he thinks he’s about to be operated
on by a janitor?
No.
What about the one where the pa-
tient wakes up after his operation
and I start shouting, “Where’s my
stethoscope? Where did I leave mystethoscope?” And then I stare at the
patient’s torso with a look of horror,
like I maybe left it inside his body?
No.
You can’t do this to me! April Fools’
Day is the highlight of my year. It’s
the only reason I finished medical
school—to experience the holiday as
a doctor.
I’m sorry, Sam, but my hands are tied.
What about the one where the pa-
tient wakes up and I’m wearing a
robot costume, so he thinks he’s
been in a coma for 80 years? And I’m
like, “Welcome to the future, Mr.
Greenbaum. The world you remem-
ber is gone.” You know, in a robot
voice. So he thinks I’m a robot.
I get it. The answer is still no.
How can you be so cruel? I mean, for
God’s sake, what happened to the
Hippocratic oath?
“First do no harm”?36 april 2019
DEPARTMENT OF WIT
Reader’s Digest