credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way.
Most people have been deeply scripted in the win-lose mentality since birth.
First and most important of the powerful forces at work is the family. When one
child is compared with another -- when patience, understanding or love is given
or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons -- people are into win-lose
thinking. Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to
earn love, what's being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically
valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It's in
comparison with somebody else or against some expectation.
And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly
dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face
of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win-
lose mentality.
“If I'm better than my brother, my parents will love me more.”
“My parents don't love me as much as they love my sister. I must not be as
valuable.”
Another powerful scripting agency is the peer group. A child first wants
acceptance from his parents and then from his peers, whether they be siblings or
friends. And we all know how cruel peers sometimes can be. They often accept
or reject totally on the basis of conformity to their expectations and norms,
providing additional scripting toward win-lose.
The academic world reinforces win-lose scripting. The “normal distribution
curve” basically says that you got an “A” because someone else got a “C.” It
interprets an individual's value by comparing him or her to everyone else. No
recognition is given to intrinsic value; everyone is extrinsically defined.
“Oh, how nice to see you here at our PTA meeting. You ought to be really
proud of your daughter, Caroline. She's in the upper 10 percent.”
“That makes me feel good.”
“But your son, Johnny, is in trouble. He's in the lower quartile.”
“Really? Oh, that's terrible! What can we do about it?”
What this kind of comparative information doesn't tell you is that perhaps
Johnny is going on all eight cylinders while Caroline is coasting on four of her
eight. But people are not graded against their potential or against the full use of
their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people. And grades
are carriers of social value; they open doors of opportunity or they close them.
Competition, not cooperation, lies at the core of the educational process.
Cooperation, in fact, is usually associated with cheating.
Another powerful programming agent is athletics, particularly for young men
in their high school or college years. Often they develop the basic paradigm that
joyce
(Joyce)
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