my biggest fear
it was my first day of school when i got this
question. out of all the other questions such as
'how do you picture yourself after graduation?',
'what do you think is fame?', or 'what's the goal
of your life?', this 'what is your biggest fear?'
was the one that was most clear and imprinting
one. I had a clear answer to it, answer that is
clear as it is but hard to figure out why and how it
started. the most concrete and existent fear, Bird.
literally, bird. not a single bird or a bird in certain
status. it's just Bird itself. from a term, to an idea,
image, material being, to its physical movement.
from a start to the end Bird is my biggest fear.
more than the image of a term, but visual memories
related to it are frightening. big body and a small
head, thin legs holding them up, creepy feet,
confusing physical part that is not a hand nor an
arm, staring eye in a shape of perfect circle, and
a look of beak. imagining it's appearance cause
a thrill from my ankle. a fear of possible attack
even without its presence. the movement of that
being is fear itself. the way it walks, how it flies
and lands, how it pecks and eats, everything.
i was curious of the cause of my fear. from
where did this concrete and absurd fear came?
i couldn't give a clear answer for i didn't have
such events that can be called as trauma. i had
several episodes coming in mind like afterimage
but they're hard to be called as trauma. only
consequence exists without a trace of cause, is
my fear substancial? i could smell and hear but
can't touch. this fear cause another fear, fear of
having unknown fear.
i can call it as hate. acting abnormal in an
abnormal situation is normal. acting normal in a
normal situation is normal, but acting normal in an
abnormal situation or acting abnormal in a normal
situation are.. hard to be called normal(defining
somthing 'abonormal' isn't easy, especially if it