is to myself, thus i hesitate). having a feeling of fear that is
not mere hatred but a feeling that cause physical reaction
such as sweating, heart-beating and shaking to an innocent
living thing who doesn't harmed is not normal.
i see myself abnormal in a normal situation. the
acknowledgement to abnormal self in a normal situation
turns into a phobia to the situation and myself behaving as
so. i end up to a conclusion that i am problematic. while
my hands get wet and my heart beat i say that i am wrong.
maybe this was the starting point of the whole issue.
/
a small house in a jeju island. i think i was about seven back
then since i cannot picture the moment so clearly. i was with
my family, my mom, dad, and my young little brother.
my brother was not in the picture of that moment when i
freaked out. i was with my mom and dad sitting on his lap,
we were at a small balcony of our bnb. across the road
there was another house in left side and over the big bush
i could see the land spreading to the end of horizon in right
side from my view. cannot remember the time of that day,
it could be at very early morning or at after noon. Cannot
recall clearly but wasn’t dark. It was the first time that I
heard of a rooster cackle for real. Not so long after I was
excited of joy for hearing a rooster, flock of chickens ran to
our balcony.
what I remember is that soon enough the balcony was filled
with chicken passing my dad’s leg and that I climbed up to
his shoulder bursting. Not sure how come those chickens
‘ran’ to a balcony of a random house so suddenly. I’m
pretty sure that at some point my memory-of-7-year-
old was fabricated exaggerating. Maybe there was only few
chickens, maybe I was shocked but didn't cry. The actual
fact does not really affect how I ended up to a moment of
fear. More than defining, this small image of jeju island
appears to my deep memory when thinking about my biggest
fear.
/
in a trip of medical service, a town lent us a small single-
flat building. not knowing how come, i was arranged as