bargaining for validation, approval, and satisfaction. Becoming an adult is
therefore developing the ability to do what is right for the simple reason that it
is right.
An adolescent will say that she values honesty only because she has
learned that saying so produces good results. But when confronted with
difficult conversations, she will tell white lies, exaggerate the truth, and
become passive-aggressive. An adult will be honest for the simple sake that
honesty is more important than her own pleasure or pain. Honesty is more
important than getting what you want or achieving a goal. Honesty is
inherently good and valuable, in and of itself. Honesty is therefore an end, not
a means to some other end.
An adolescent will say he loves you, but his conception of love is that he
is getting something in return, that love is merely an emotional swap meet,
where you each bring everything you have to offer and haggle with each other
for the best deal. An adult will love freely without expecting anything in
return because an adult understands that that is the only thing that can make
love real. An adult will give without seeking anything in return, because to do
so defeats the purpose of a gift in the first place.
The principled values of adulthood are unconditional—that is, they cannot
be reached through any other means. They are ends in and of themselves.^22
Figure 6.2: An adult is able to eschew his own pleasure for the sake of his
principles.