someone to love is by loving him. And you don’t force the love or trust or
respect on him—after all, that would make those things conditional—you
simply give them, understanding that at some point, the adolescent’s
bargaining will fail and he’ll understand the value of unconditionality when
he’s ready.^31
When parents and teachers fail, it’s usually because they themselves are
stuck at an adolescent level of values. They, too, see the world in transactional
terms. They, too, bargain love for sex, loyalty for affection, respect for
obedience. In fact, they likely bargain with their kids for affection, love, or
respect. They think this is normal, so the kid grows up thinking it’s normal.
And the shitty, shallow, transactional parent/child relationship is then
replicated when the kid goes out and forms relationships in the world, because
he then becomes a teacher or parent and imparts his adolescent values on
children, causing the whole mess to continue for another generation.
Once older, adolescent-minded people will move through the world
assuming that all human relationships are a never-ending trade agreement,
that intimacy is no more than a feigned sense of knowing the other person for
the mutual benefit of each one, that everyone is a means to some selfish end.
And instead of recognizing that their problems are rooted in the transactional
approach to the world itself, they will assume that the only problem is that it
took them so long to do the transactions correctly.
It’s difficult to act unconditionally. You love someone knowing you may
not be loved in return, but you do it anyway. You trust someone even though
you realize you might get hurt or screwed over. That’s because to act
unconditionally requires some degree of faith—faith that it’s the right thing to
do even if it results in more pain, even if it doesn’t work out for you or the
other person.
Making the leap of faith into a virtuous adulthood requires not just an
ability to endure pain, but also the courage to abandon hope, to let go of the
desire for things always to be better or more pleasant or a ton of fun. Your
Thinking Brain will tell you that this is illogical, that your assumptions must
inevitably be wrong in some way. Yet, you do it anyway. Your Feeling Brain
will procrastinate and freak out about the pain of brutal honesty, the
vulnerability that comes with loving someone, the fear that comes from
humility. Yet, you do it anyway.
CHILDHOOD ADOLESCENCE ADULTHOOD
VALUES Pleasure/pain Rules and roles Virtues
SEES
RELATIONSHIPS Power struggles Performances Vulnerability