the inherent guilt that comes with our existence. We all suffer and are
victimized to varying degrees, especially when we’re young. And we all
spend a lifetime trying to compensate for that suffering.
And in moments of our life when things aren’t going so well, this makes
us despair.
But like most people struggling, you’ve enveloped yourself so much in
your pain that you’ve forgotten that pain is common, and that your strife is
not uniquely yours—on the contrary, it’s universal. And because you’ve
forgotten this, you feel as if I’m speaking directly to you; as if, by some
magical power, I’m peering into your soul and reading back to you the
contents of your heart. For this, you sit up and at attention.
“Because,” I repeat, “I have the solution to all your problems. I can make
all your dreams come true.” Now I’m pointing, and my finger looks gigantic
on your TV screen. “I have all the answers. I have the secret of everlasting
happiness and eternal life, and it’s this . . .”
What I go on to say is so outlandish, so ridiculous, so absolutely perverse
and cynical that you actually think it might be true. The problem is, you want
to believe me. You need to believe me. I represent the hope and salvation your
Feeling Brain desperately craves, that it needs. So, slowly, your Thinking
Brain comes to the conclusion that my idea is so batshit crazy that it just
might work.
As the infomercial drags on, that existential need to find meaning
somewhere, anywhere, beats down your psychological defenses and lets me
in. After all, I have demonstrated an uncanny knowledge of your pain, a
backdoor entrance to your secret truth, a deep vein traveling through your
heart. You then realize that in between all my big white teeth and shouty
words, I’ve spoken to you: I was once just as fucked as you . . . and I found
my way out. Come with me.
I keep going. I’m on a roll now. The camera angles are switching back
and forth, grabbing me now from the side, now from the front. Suddenly,
there’s a studio audience in front of me. They’re wrapped up in every word I
say. A woman is crying. A man’s jaw drops. And yours drops with it. I’m all
up in your shit now. I will give you permanent fulfillment, motherfucker. I
will fill any gap, plug any hole. Just sign up for one low price. What is
happiness worth to you? What is hope worth to you? Act now, fucker.
Sign up. Today.
With that, you grab your phone. You go to the website. You put in the
digits.