HOW TO START YOUR OWN RELIGIONStep Six: Prophet for Profit!
So, this is it. You’ve come to the end. You have your religion, and it’s time to
reap all its benefits. Now that you’ve got your little following giving you their
money and cutting your grass, you can finally have everything you’ve ever
wished for!
Want a dozen sex slaves? Just say the word. Make up scripture. Tell your
followers that “Stage Six of Manatee Enlightenment” can only be found in the
Prophet’s orgasms.
Want a huge piece of land out in the middle of nowhere? Just tell your
followers that only you can build paradise for them and it needs to be really
far away—oh, and by the way, they need to pay for it.
Want power and prestige? Tell your followers to vote you into office or,
even better, overthrow the government with violence. If you do your job well,
they should be willing to give up their lives for you.
The opportunities really are endless.
No more loneliness. No more relationship problems. No more financial
woes. You can fulfill your wildest dreams. You just have to trample on the
hopes and dreams of thousands of other people to get there.
Yes, my friend, you’ve worked hard for this. Therefore, you deserve all
the benefits without any meddlesome social concerns or pedantic arguments
about ethics and whatnot. Because that’s what you get to do when you start
your own religion: You get to decide what is ethical. You get to decide what is
right. And you get to decide who is righteous.
Maybe this whole “start a religion” thing makes you squirm. Well, I hate to
break it to you, but you’re already in one. Whether you realize or not, you’ve
adopted some group’s beliefs and values, you participate in the rituals and
offer up the sacrifices, you draw the us-versus-them lines and intellectually
isolate yourself. This is what we all do. Religious beliefs and their constituent
tribal behaviors are a fundamental part of our nature.^43 It’s impossible not to
adopt them. If you think you’re above religion, that you use logic and reason,
I’m sorry to say, you’re wrong: you are one of us.^44 If you think you’re well
informed and highly educated, you’re not: you still suck.^45
We all must have faith in something. We must find value somewhere. It’s