your partner is on your side, and that's one of the foundations of a
long-lasting friendship.
Once your marriage gets set at a more positive leOnce your marriage gets set at a more positive leOnce your marriage gets set at a more positive leOnce your marriage gets set at a more positive levevel,vel,vel, l,
it will be harder to knock it off course.it will be harder to knock it off course.it will be harder to knock it off course. it will be harder to knock it off course.As beneficial as turning toward each other can be, it can feel
hurtful and rejecting when your spouse does the opposite. Often
couples turn away from each other not out of malice but out of
mindlessness. They get distracted and start taking each other for
granted. Realizing the importance of the little moments and paying
more attention to them is enough to solve the problem in many cases.
But sometimes there are deeper reasons why couples keep missing
each other. For example, when one partner rebuffs the other, it could
be a sign of hostility over some festering conflict. But I have found
that when one spouse regularly feels the other just doesn't connect
enough, often the cause is a disparity between their respective needs
for intimacy and independence.
Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you
feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to
pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There's a wide
spectrum of "normal" needs in this area--some people have a greater
and more frequent need for connection, others for independence.
A marriage can work even if people fall on opposite ends of this
spectrum--as long as they are able to understand the reason for their
feelings and respect their differences. If they don't, however, hurt
feelings are likely to develop.
If you feel like your spouse gives you the cold shoulder in little
ways throughout the day, or if your spouse's concept of closeness
feels more like suffocation to you, the best thing you can do for your
marriage is to talk it out. Looking at these moments together will give
you greater insight into each other and help you both learn how to
give each other what you need.