that he could invite over anyone he wanted. When she disagreed
with him, he would stonewall, which made her so angry she would
start yelling. Then he would accuse her of being the one with the
problem, not Buddy. Kara was infuriated by Tim's attitude. As she
saw it, he refused to respect that this was her home, too, and that he
had to share decisions about house guests with her.
More than 80 percent of the time it's tMore than 80 percent of the time it's tMore than 80 percent of the time it's tMore than 80 percent of the time it's the wifehe wifehe wifehe wife
who brings up sticky marital issues, while thewho brings up sticky marital issues, while thewho brings up sticky marital issues, while thewho brings up sticky marital issues, while the
husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn'thusband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn'thusband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn't husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn't
a symptom of a troubled marriagea symptom of a troubled marriagea symptom of a troubled marriagea symptom of a troubled marriage--------it's true init's true init's true init's true in
most happy marriages as well.most happy marriages as well.most happy marriages as well.most happy marriages as well.When I interviewed Tim and Kara, Tim's unwillingness to
accept influence from Kara seemed to be the core of their problem—
especially since he admitted that he saw no grounds for compromise
on the issue. Then I asked him what his friendship with Buddy meant
to him. It turned out there was more to the story. Tim explained that
he and Buddy had been pals since childhood. During high school,
when Tim's parents were going through a bitter divorce and his
home life was coming apart, Tim spent countless nights on Buddy's
couch. He believed it was now his responsibility to help out the
friend who had helped him. He felt that Kara was trying to get him to
abandon Buddy. Doing so would go against his sense of honor. He
wasn't concerned that Buddy would be a bad influence. He saw
himself as a stable, married man and took pride in his ability to help
his friend.
The more Tim talked about Buddy, the clearer it became that he
and Kara were grappling with a perpetual problem in their
relationship about their views of friendship and loyalty By
recognizing that and working on the problem together, the issue was
transformed. Tim stopped thinking about it in the context of his
"right" to do what he wanted in his own home. Kara acknowledged
that it had been Tim's "piggish" attitude--not just Buddy's presence--
that was making her so angry. She told him that she really admired