Perpetual problemsUnfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category-
69 percent, to be exact. Time and again when we do four- year
follow-ups of couples, we find that they are still arguing about
precisely the same issue. It's as if four minutes have passed rather
than four years. They've donned new clothes, altered their hairstyles,
and gained (or lost) a few pounds and wrinkles, but they're still
having the same argument. Here are some typical Perpetual
problems that the happy couples in our studies are living with:
- Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he's not ready yet-
-and doesn't know if he ever will be. - Walter wants sex far more frequently than Dana.
- Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the
chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry. - Tony wants to raise their children as Catholics. Jessica is
Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith. - Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son. But Ron thinks he
has the right approach: Their son has to be taught the proper
way to do things.
Despite their differences these couples remain very satisfied
with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with
their unbudgeable problem so it doesn't overwhelm them. They've
learned to keep it in its place and to have a sense of humor about it.
For example, one couple we studied, Melinda and Andy, have an
ongoing conflict over his reluctance to go on outings with her family.
But when they talk to me about this problem, they don't get angry;
they simply relate good-naturedly what happens. Andy starts to tell
me what he always ends up saying. Melinda, who knows it all so
well, jumps in and offers up his quote for him, mimicking his put-
upon voice: "All right, I'll go." Then Andy adds that he also says,
"Okay, sure, anything you say, dear."
"We still continue to do that," Melinda explains to me. Then
Andy chuckles and adds, "We don't even disagree good, do we?"