back into someone scowling and immovable all for the partner's
benefit. It just doesn't have to be that way. Keep in mind, as you
work your way through these steps, that what's really being asked of
you is no more than would be asked if you were dealing with an
acquaintance, much less the person who has vowed to share his or
her life with you.
Step 1: Soften your startupIf there's one similarity between happy and unhappy marriages, it's
that in both circumstances the wife is far more likely than the
husband to bring up a touchy issue and to push to resolve it. But
there's a dramatic difference in how the wife brings it up. Remember
Dara, who lit into her husband, Oliver, as soon as they began
discussing housework? Within a minute she was being sarcastic and
batting down every suggestion he made: "Do you think you really
work well with lists?" and "I think you do a pretty good job of
coming home and lying around and disappearing into the bathroom."
Compare Dara's harsh approach with that of Justine, who is
happily married to Michael but has the same problem: He doesn't do
his share around the house. What bugs her the most is that she
always ends up folding the laundry, which she hates. Here's what
she says in the Love Lab, when she broaches the topic with Michael.
Justine: Okay (deep breath). Housework.
Michael: Yeah. Well, I mean I definitely clean off the counters in the
kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff. (Defensive) this tine:
Hm-hmm. You do. ( Repair attempt)
Michael: Hm-hmm. (He's relaxed; Justine's repair attempt was
successful.) Justine: I think it's just, like, sometimes when things
are just kind of left, or the laundry just piles up ... (Softened
startup)
Michael: Yeah. I haven't even been thinking about laundry (laughs). I
mean, I just haven't been thinking about it at all. (Not defensive)