Justine (laughs): That's kind of cute. Who do you think's doing it?
You keep having clothes to wear.
Michael: Yeah, I guess.
Justine: And maybe that's okay. But it just gets to me after a while.
Michael: Well, it hasn't even crossed my mind that, like, we have to
do the laundry. (Chuckles.)
Justine: Actually, Tim's been folding them. (A neighbor in their
apartment complex-the washer and dryer are in a communal laundry
room.) I left a load in, and then when I passed by, the sheets
were folded.
Michael: Maybe we should put our hamper in his room?
Justine (laughs): (Shared humor deescalates tension and lowers heart rates.)
Michael: So, okay, like maybe every other day or something when I
first get back home from work...
Justine: Yeah, you could fold what makes sense, especially towels
and underwear and the sheets...
Michael: Yeah, I'll just look in the basket. (He is accepting her
influence.)
Justine: Okay
Perhaps the most important quality of this exchange is the
virtual absence of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse--criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling- those hallmarks of
marriage-harming conflict. The reason for their absence is that
Justine's startup is soft. In contrast, a harsh startup usually begins the
cycle of the four horsemen, which leads to flooding and, in turn,
increased emotional distance and loneliness that lets the marriage
wither. Only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they
are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end
because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance
themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are
lost.
That's why it's so important that when Michael admits that he
doesn't even think about the laundry, Justine doesn't get critical or
contemptuous. She laughs and says she thinks that's "cute."