Seven naslovi

Because Justine is gentle with Michael, their conversation actually
produces a result: They come up with a plan to resolve the conflict.
Since they are able to do this, their discussion leaves them feeling
positive about themselves and their marriage. That feeling is "money
in the bank" for any couple--it inspires an optimistic attitude that will
help them resolve the next conflict that comes along.
In another happy marriage, the big issue is that the wife,
Andrea, wants her husband, Dave, to become more involved with the
church. But she hardly bangs him over the head with a Bible. Instead
she says, "Going to church is not something I need every day. But it's
a comfort." Then she tells him, "I don't like you going just because of
me." By the time she tells him directly, "I want a little bit more
involvement from you than just Easter, Christmas, and Mother's Day"
he is ready to compromise. "Okay I'll go to church on big important
days and...maybe some Sundays."
A soft startup doesn't necessarily have to be this diplomatic. It
just has to be devoid of criticism or contempt. In a healthy, volatile
marriage, which can be very confrontational, the wife is more likely
to say something like "Hey, I know I can be a slob sometimes myself,
but I'm really angry that you walked by the laundry basket last night
without stopping to fold any sheets. I didn't like having to fold them
all myself." Or: "I feel really strongly that we need to go to church
together more often. This is very important to me." These are soft
startups because they are direct complaints rather than criticisms or
contemptuous accusations.
Softening the startup is crucial to resolving conflicts because,
my research finds, discussions invariably end on the same note they
begin. That's why 96 percent of the time I can predict the fate of a
conflict discussion in the first three minutes! If you start an argument
harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally-you'll end up with
at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened
startup--meaning you complain but don't criticize or otherwise attack
your spouse--the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of
your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and
happy.
Although either spouse can be responsible for a harsh startup,
we've found that the vast majority of the time the culprit is the wife.