Carol
Inner Circle:
1.want to feel like we're making love when we're having sex.
- I want Raymond to hold me and stroke me a lot. I want a lot of
foreplay.
Outer Circle:
- I prefer to have sex at night because I love falling asleep in your
arms afterward, but sex in the morning would be okay too. - Talking to me a lot while we make love is nice, but I can
compromise on this too.
Once you've filled in your circles (your lists may be much
longer than Raymond's and Carol's), come back and share them with
each other. Look for common bases of agreement. Remember as you
discuss this to make use of all the other problem-solving strategies
outlined in this chapter-namely, softened startup and soothing
yourself or each other if flooding occurs.
In the case of Carol and Raymond, their inner circles are very
different, but they are not incompatible. Once they accept and respect
their sexual differences, they can create lovemaking sessions that
incorporate his desire for erotic fantasy with her longing for intimacy
and lots of touching. And although their outer circles are in
opposition as well, they are willing to give in these areas, so
compromise should be easy. Maybe they'll decide to switch off with
morning and evening sex depending on how tired Raymond is. And
they can vary how much they speak during sex as well.
The goal of this circle exercise is to try to develop a common
way of thinking about the issue so that you work together to
construct a real plan that you can both live with. As you share your
circles, ask yourselves the following questions:
- What do we agree about?
- What are our common feelings or the most important feelings here?
- What common goals can we have here?
- How can we understand this situation, this issue?
- How do we think these goals should be accomplished?