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didn't burp him enough," "The bath water's too cold." In the face of
this barrage, some husbands are more than happy to withdraw, to
cede the role of expert to their wives (after all, their own fathers never
knew anything about babies, either) and accept their own
incompetence. The sad result is that they do less and less and
therefore become less and less accomplished and confident in caring
for their own child. Inevitably, they begin to feel more excluded.
The solution is simple. The new mother needs to back off. She
needs to realize that there's more than one way to burp a baby If she
doesn't like her husband's way, she should remember that the baby is
his child too and will benefit from experiencing more than one
parenting style. A few baths in tepid water are a small price for an
infant--and a marriage--to pay for the father's ongoing commitment
to his family If the mother feels her husband's approach is really
unsafe, she should direct him to their pediatrician, Dr. Spock's tome,
or some other edifying baby-care guide. Some small, well-timed
doses of gentle advice-giving are fine (don't forget to use a softened
startup), but lectures and criticism will backfire.
Feeding time can be especially difficult for the new dad. Penis
envy may well be a Freudian myth, but breast envy is alive and well
in almost every home where the wife is nursing an infant. Fathers
can't help but feel jealous when they see that beautiful bond
developing between their wife and baby. It's as if the two have
formed a charmed circle that he just can't enter. In response to this
need, some baby-care catalogs actually offer devices that allow men a
close approximation of the nursing experience. There is, for example,
an attachment that you can strap onto your chest that delivers warm
milk to the baby through plastic breasts! But most couples don't need
to resort to extra equipment to help the man feel included. Instead,
they can find a role for the husband in the ritual of breast feeding. For
example, it can be the husband's job to carry the baby to the mother
at feeding time. He can also be the official "bur per." He could also
make it his custom to sit quietly with his wife and child during
feeding times, gently stroking the baby's head, for example, or
singing to his baby