Let Dad be baby's playmate. Some men have admitted to me
that they don't feel much connection with their baby until the child
gets older and can walk, talk, and play Unfortunately by then their
distance from family life has created fissures in their marriage. The
reason men may take longer to "bond" with their children is that, as
countless studies have confirmed, women tend to be more nurturing
toward children while men are more playful. And since most men
assume you can't really play with a helpless baby, they don't feel
engaged by their child for much of the crucial first year.
But dads who spend time with their young babies will discover
that they are not "blobs" who do nothing but cry, nurse, poop, and
sleep. Even newborns can be great playmates. Babies begin to smile
at a mere three weeks. Even earlier than that they can track
movements with their eyes. Soon they are chortling, kicking their legs
in delight. In short, the father who gets to know his babies by
bathing, diapering, and feeding them will inevitably find that they
love to play with him and that he has a special role in their lives.
Carve out time for the two of you. Part of the transition to
parenthood entails placing a priority (albeit usually second place) on
the marriage itself. So you should use a baby-sitter, a relative, or
friend to get some time alone with each other. But remember, you
haven't failed if you end up spending a lot of your "dates" discussing
the baby--you've succeeded. As the baby grows into a toddler and
then becomes school-aged, you'll find that your conversations when
you're alone together won't always gravitate toward your child and
your role as parents.
Be sensitive to Dad's needs Even if he is a good team player
and is making the philosophical shift toward parenthood along with
his wife, the man is still going to feel somewhat deprived by the
baby's overwhelming and seemingly endless need for her. Even if,
intellectually, he understands that the baby's needs supplant his own
in priority, he's going to miss his wife. The more his wife
acknowledges what he has given up and lets him know how central
he still is to her life, the more understanding and supportive he will