family--something she only did on Sundays. So the question of a
restaurant versus a home meal is really symbolic of what makes each
of them feel loved.
When dreams are respectedWhy do some couples cope so gracefully with these sorts of issues
while others get bogged down? The difference is that the happy
couple understands that helping each other realize their dreams is
one of the goals of marriage. "We want to know what the other
person wants in their life," says Justine, referring to herself and her
husband, Michael. But she could just as well be talking for all
emotionally intelligent couples. In happy marriages partners
incorporate each other's goals into their concept of what their
marriage is about. These goals can be as concrete as wanting to live in
a certain kind of house or to get a certain academic degree. But they
can also be intangible, such as wanting to feel safe or wanting to view
life as a grand adventure.
Shelley wants to go to college. Malcolm's hefty paycheck allows
her to do that. But he wants to quit his high-pressure marketing job
because his dream is to be his own boss and build boats. In a happy
marriage neither spouse insists or attempts to manipulate the other
into giving up their dream. They work it out as a team. They fully
take into account each other's wishes and desires.
Maybe Malcolm decides to keep at the grind till Shelley finishes
school. Maybe Shelley studies part time or suspends her studies for
an agreed-upon length of time. Maybe practicality demands that one
or both of their dreams be put on hold for a while. Whatever they
decide to do isn't really the issue. The point is that their concept of
their marriage incorporates supporting both of these dreams. The
way they go about making such decisions--with mutual respect for
an acknowledgment of each other's aspirations--is part of what
makes their marriage meaningful to them.