A horse named DaphneWhen either spouse doesn't fully appreciate the importance of
supporting his or her partner's dreams, gridlock is almost inevitable.
That was the root cause of the severe marital problems between Ed
and Luanne, a Seattle couple who were interviewed in my Love Lab
for Dateline NEC. When Ed and Luanne were in the lab together, you
could see that their fondness and affection were still there. But they
were experiencing enormous stress over Daphne, Luanne's nine-year-
old horse, which she often competed with in horse shows.
Before they were married, Ed was very taken with Daphne. But
now that he was confronted with the monthly bills for her care and
maintenance, she became a source of tension between him and his
wife. He wanted Luanne to sell the horse so that they could save
money. The more he and Luanne argued over selling Daphne the
more he feared, deep down, that she cared for the horse more than
she did for him and their marriage.
The couple talked out this problem in three fifteen-minute
sessions, snippets of which were aired on the show. In between those
sessions my team and I coached them, using the sorts of techniques
you'll find in this chapter. Luanne was told not to give up on her
dream and to make sure that Ed understood that he came first in her
heart. I helped Ed understand that helping Luanne realize her dream
to compete in horse shows with Daphne was part of his role as her
spouse. He also needed to accept Luanne's influence when it came to
making financial decisions. By the end of the three sessions Ed and
Luanne had made a major leap forward in their marriage. When Ed
told her he would support her decision to keep Daphne, her wide
smile lit up the screen.
Today, two and a half years later, Ed and Luanne are happily
married. Luanne has sold Daphne (though she still visits her) in order
to lease a younger horse. She continues to compete in horse shows
and Ed continues to support her right to do so.