When dreams are hiddenFor Ed and Luanne it was apparent that a dream was the root cause
of their conflict. The challenge was to respect the dream and each
other's needs. But for many couples the dream that is at the core of
the conflict is not so obvious. Only by uncovering this dream can the
couple get out of gridlock.
Take the case of Katherine and Jeff. They were happily married
until Katherine became pregnant. Suddenly, it seemed to Jeff, her
Catholic faith took on a much more central role in her life. He himself
was an agnostic. When he found out that she had been talking with
her father about having the baby baptized, he was livid. He did not
want his child to have any kind of formal religious instruction.
By the time Katherine and Jeff discussed this conflict in my lab,
they had clearly become gridlocked. I could tell that their marriage
was in serious danger because they were emotionally distant from
each other. Even while discussing the highly personal issues of faith
and family, they didn't raise their voices, cry, smile, or touch each
other. They were able to talk intellectually about their difference of
opinion, but they were emotionally disengaged. And since their
problem was really an emotional one--concerning their feelings about
families, parenthood, and religion--no amount of careful intellectual
analysis would be able to resolve it.
At their next session, I suggested that instead of trying to solve
the issue, they should just listen to each other talk about what
religion symbolized to them. This was the only way to get to the
hidden dreams that were fueling the conflict. Katherine went first.
She described how her beliefs had carried her through very hard
times. Her parents went through a rancorous divorce. For ten years
her father had no contact with the family. Her mother became so
depressed that Katherine couldn't depend on her. She felt completely
unloved and alone until she turned to the Church, which embraced
her. Not only did she feel a kinship with her fellow worshipers but
she felt comforted by prayer. When all the chips were down, feeling