Seven naslovi

instead, the goal is to "declaw" the issue, to try to remove the hurt so
the problem stops being a source of great pain.
The way you start this process is by using the circle exercise
("Finding Common Ground") on page 182. You define the minimal
core areas that you cannot yield on. To do this you need to look deep
into your heart and try to separate the issue into two categories. In
one put those aspects of the issue that you absolutely cannot give on
without violating your basic needs or core values. In the second
category put all aspects of the issue where you can be flexible,
because they are not so "hot" for you. Try to make the second
category as large as possible, and the first category as small as
possible.
Share your two lists with your spouse. Working together, and
using the skills you learned in Chapter 8, come up with a temporary
compromise. Try it for about two months and then review where you
stand. Don't expect this to solve the problem, only to help you both
live with it more peacefully For example, Sally believes in living for
the moment--she tends to be spontaneous and loose with her money.
Gus's main goal in life is to feel secure. He moves slowly and
carefully toward decisions and is very frugal. These differences lead
them to clash when Sally insists that they buy a mountain cabin. Gus
immediately says no-they can't afford it. Sally feels confident that
they can.
For a year they gridlock over this issue. Whenever they try to
discuss it, they become embroiled in a shouting match. Gus lets Sally
know he considers her an irresponsible dreamer who always wants
to squander the money he works so hard to earn. Sally accuses Gus of
wanting to squash all the fun and joy out of her life.
To overcome the gridlock, Gus and Sally first have to explore
the symbolic meaning of their positions on the cabin. In their first
conversation to try to work on this issue, Sally says that her dreams
are to pursue pleasure, to be able to truly relax, and to feel unity with
nature, all of which she can realize by having a cabin. Although she
also fears that Gus wants to turn her into a drone who's living just for
tomorrow, she doesn't say this to him now. (She's said it frequently in
the past.) Instead, she focuses on what she desires, not her anger and
fears connected to Gus.