When it's Gus's turn to talk, he tells her that saving money has
a lot of symbolic meaning for him. He longs to feel financially secure
because he fears being destitute in his old age. He remembers seeing
his grandparents suffering because they were so poor. His
grandfather ended up in a state-run nursing home that Gus believes
took away his dignity One of his big goals in life is not to feel
humiliated when he is old. Gus is also furious at Sally because he
believes she is reckless and has a childish need for immediate
gratification, which is a threat to his well-being and the life he's
trying to build for both of them. However, he doesn't hurl those
accusations at her this time. Instead, he sticks to explaining and
describing his dream of financial security and its roots in his
childhood.
Once Sally and Gus have discussed the symbolic meaning of
their positions, a transformation takes place. Rather than seeing each
other's dreams as threats, they see them for what they are: deep
desires held by someone they love. Although their dreams are still in
opposition, they are now motivated to find some common ground, to
find a way to respect and perhaps even accommodate both of them.
Here's how they do this:
- They define the minimal core areas that they cannot yield on. Sally
says she must have a cabin. Gus says he must save $30,000 in order to
feel financially secure. - They define their areas of flexibility. Sally says she can settle for
a small cabin on just a couple of acres, rather than the larger retreat
she had envisioned. She can also be flexible on the timing of
acquiring a cabin. She would like to buy one right now, but can wait
a few years as long as she feels Gus supports the decision and they
work toward it together. Gus says he can be flexible about how
quickly he must save his $30,000 as long as he knows that they are
consistently working toward that goal by saving a specific amount
from each of their paychecks. - They devise a temporary compromise that honors both of their
dreams. They will buy a small cabin, but not for another three years.
Meanwhile, they will devote half of their savings to a down payment
and half to a mutual fund. In a couple of months they will review this
plan and decide if it's working.