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symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that
link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a pan of the
family you have become.
Usually when we think of culture, we think in terms of large
ethnic groups or even countries where particular customs and cuisine
prevail. But a culture can also be created by just two people who have
agreed to share their lives. In essence, each couple and each family
create its own micro culture. And like other cultures these small units
have their customs (like Sunday dinner out), rituals (like a
champagne toast after the birth of each baby), and myths--the stories
the couple tell themselves (whether true, false, or embellished) that
explain their sense of what their marriage is like, what it means to be
part of their group.
Paula and Doug viewed themselves as the "runts" of their
respective families. Both were considered the least intelligent,
attractive, or likely to succeed of their siblings. But as it turned out,
all of their brothers and sisters ended up unmarried or divorced,
while Paula and Doug formed a happy, stable marriage, held steady
jobs, and raised great kids in a nice home. Part of their marriage's
culture, the story they tell themselves about themselves, is what a
great team they make, how feisty they are, how they thumbed their
noses at all the nay sayers and succeeded against the odds.
Developing a culture doesn't mean a couple sees eye to eye on
every aspect of their life's philosophy. Instead there is a meshing.
They find a way of honoring each other's dreams even if they don't
always share them. The culture that they develop together
incorporates both of their dreams. And it is flexible enough to change
as husband and wife grow and develop. When a marriage has this
shared sense of meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual
problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock.
It is certainly possible to have a stable marriage without sharing
a deep sense of what is meaningful about your lives together. Your
marriage can "work" even if your dreams aren't in sync. The last
chapter showed you just how to navigate your way around perpetual
problems so that you can live with them rather than ending up
gridlocked. It is important to accept that you each will probably have
some dreams that the other doesn't share but can respect. You may,