Consider them starting-off points for many future discussions
and fireside chats.
To make the best use of these questions, focus on them one at a
time. You can even write your thoughts about the question in your
notebook. Then read each other's entries and discuss the question
face to face.
Talk about your differences on this issue as well as your areas
of common ground, areas that you can build upon. Find ways to
honor both of your values, philosophies, and dreams. Although in
many areas you may have separate needs, find ways to be supportive
of each other's. Where you differ fundamentally, find ways of being
respectful, of honoring the differences between you. (If this leads to
an argument, work through the exercises in the chapters concerning
Principles 4, 5, and 6 even if you've already done so. Write out, if you
like, your own family constitution, what you agree on about meaning
and shared philosophy of life.
Family ritualsIt is a sad fact that less than a third of U.S. families eat dinner
together regularly, and more than half of those that do have the
television on during dinner. This effectively ends conversation
during dinner. Creating informal rituals when you can connect
emotionally is critical in a marriage.
Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, lighting Kwaanza candles or
the menorah, Thanksgiving at Grandma's, family reunions: Most of
us were raised in families in which some rituals were considered
important. By making them a part of your married life (or coming up
with your own new ones together), they become your rituals as well
and further your identity as a family.
Jesse came from a very close-knit extended family on his
father's side--the Feld mans. From the time he was a little boy the
photographer at all of their family weddings was asked to spend a
few minutes rounding up all fifty or so Feld mans for the Feld man
Photo. Every member of his father's family, along with their spouses