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North Carolina has debunked this idea thoroughly by studying
couples' standards and expectations of each other. He has found that
people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind
up with the highest- quality marriages. This suggests that by holding
your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to
achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the
other way and letting things slide.
Our research on newlyweds confirms what Baucom found. The
couples we studied who adjusted to high levels of negativity
(irritability, emotional distance) in their marriage ended up less
happy or satisfied years later. Those who refused to put up with lots
of negativity—who insisted on gently confronting each other when,
say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive,
wound up happy and satisfied years later.
These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be
equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know
when your marital quality is in danger of deteriorating. I call this
system the Marital Poop Detector because it's really a way of saying
something just doesn't smell right!
Someone once said that to men the five most frightening words
in the English language are "Let's talk about our relationship." Truth
is, those words can be just as frightening to plenty of women. The
best way to conquer this fear is to talk about issues in your
relationship while they are still minor, before they build up steam
and become combustible. A Marital Poop Detector lets you do that.
Usually one member of a couple tends to take the lead in
sniffing out trouble. More often than not it is the wife. When her
husband gets cranky or withdrawn, she calls him on it and finds out
what's wrong. But there's no reason why you both can't perform this
function in your marriage.
Here is a list of questions to ask yourself once a week. It will
guide you in assessing how your relationship is faring. Just
remember to discuss these things using a softened startup and
without being critical of your spouse. The best approach is to say
something like "Hey I really feel out of touch with you. What's going
on?" (Be careful not to address any issues right before bedtime. This
could interfere with your sleep.)