Forgive yourselfAfter working through the Seven Principles, it is probably very clear
to you that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All
criticism is painful. Unlike complaints—specific requests for change--
criticism doesn't make a marriage better. It inevitably makes it worse.
What causes a spouse to be chronically critical? We have discovered
that there are two sources. The first is an emotionally unresponsive
partner.Put simply, if Natalie keeps complaining to Jonah about
leaving his newspapers on the bathroom floor and he just ignores
her, eventually she is likely to start criticizing him--calling him a slob
instead of politely reminding him about recycling. This change in
Natalie's approach is understandable, but it is hardly helpful to her
marriage since her criticism will make Jonah even less responsive.
The only way out of this cycle is for both of them to change--which
won't be easy It takes courage to be less critical of an unresponsive
mate, and it takes courage to turn toward a partner who's always
harping on your flaws. But both changes are necessary to end the
cycle.
The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It
is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one's
life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as
criticism of oneself. Aaron cannot really appreciate or enjoy his own
accomplishments. When he has a setback in his business, he feels
deep down that he is worthless. When his business is successful, he
doesn't allow himself to be proud. There's a voice inside him that
says this is not good enough. He continually searches for approval
but cannot enjoy it or even accept it when it is offered.
What happens to Aaron when he marries Courtney? Since he
has trained his mind to see what is wrong, what is missing, and not
to appreciate what is there, it's difficult for him to rejoice in what's
right with Courtney or their marriage. So instead of appreciating
Courtney's wonderful qualities, including her sweetness, her
devotion, and the deep emotional support she offers him when he is
in danger of losing a major client, he focuses on what he considers