her flaws--that she is highly emotional, somewhat awkward socially,
and not as meticulously clean around the house as he'd like.
The story of Aaron and Courtney is what's wrong 85 percent of
the time in most marriages. If you consider yourself inadequate, you
are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your
partner. And, let's face it: Anyone you marry will be lacking in
certain desirable qualities. The problem is that we tend to focus on
what's missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are
there--we take those for granted.
If you recognize yourself in the description of the self-critic, the
best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on
accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own
life so far, I realize the immense difference it has made in my role as a
husband and a father for me to forgive myself for all of my
imperfections.
One route toward this forgiveness may be your personal
spiritual beliefs. My religion, Judaism, has helped me to cherish and
nourish what is good and strong in myself and in my relationship. In
Judaism prayer is primarily used either for thanksgiving or to praise.
Yet the religion claims that God does not require endless praise,
flattery, or thanks. So what is the purpose of these prayers? They are
not meant for God's benefit but to help the person who is praying.
These prayers are designed to help us appreciate the works of God,
this beautiful world we have inherited, and to notice and be thankful
for the blessings we continually receive. Whatever your religion,
there is a message in here for your marriage: Expressions of
thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism
and its deadly cousin, contempt. The following exercise will start you
on this path.
An Exercise in ThanksgivingStep 1.For one week try to be aware of your tendency to criticize, to
see what is missing, to focus on what is not there and comment on it.
Try instead to focus on what is right. Notice what you have and what
others contribute. Search for things to praise. Begin with simple