- Engage in hobbies; e.g." painting, sculpting, making music.
- Talk over drinks (alcohol, coffee, or tea).
- Find time to just talk without interruptions--find time for spouse to really
listen to you. - Philosophize.
- Gossip (talk about other people).
- Attend a funeral.
- Help out other people.
- Hunt for a new house or apartment.
- Test-drive new cars.
- Other___.
Now, share your top three choices with each other so you both
know how best to turn toward each other and accrue points.
Warning: Sometimes this exercise generates conflict when we do it as
part of our workshop. For example, Dick may say he wants Renee to
be there more when it comes to making weekend plans, but Renee
claims she already does most of the weekend planning. To avoid this,
remember that this exercise is really a way to flatter each other. What
you're really telling your spouse is "I love you so much that I want
more of you," So be sure to talk about your requests in that spirit.
Rather than being critical of what your partner has not done in the
past, focus on what you would like to have happen now.
That means saying "I'd like it if you stayed with me most of the time
at parties" instead of "You always abandon me."
The real benefit of this exercise comes when you both look at
the three items your partner chose and follow through by committing
to do one of them. This should be a firm agreement--in the
workshops we actually call it a contract. Some couples find it helpful
to put these contracts in writing, such as "I, Wendy, agree to join Bill
in walking the dog every Monday and Thursday." This may sound
stiff and formal, but an official agreement usually has the opposite
effect: because it conveys respect for your request, you feel relieved
and excited that your spouse is willing to give this to you. No
wonder this exercise intensifies the sense of romance!