Teenagers spend fully half of their lives in front of a mirror. They
worry about whether they are developing on schedule.
(^) Teenagers experience apprehension about their personality. They
wonder whether they are serious enough, funny enough, creative
enough, carefree enough. One of our children was very
straightforward about these fears. He would announce at the breakfast
table that he had decided to change his personality. Sometimes he
changed personalities more often than he changed his shirts. He didn’t
know yet that personality is resilient; what he was really reflecting
was uncertainty about who he was.
(^) While this is a period of instability, anxiety, and vulnerability, it
is also paradoxically a period when children are seeking to establish
an independent persona. The teen wants to be his own person. While
his need for direction has never been greater, he will resist overt
attempts to corral him.
Rebellion
(^) The teenage years are often years of rebellion. Some of the
rebellion is simply a misguided attempt to establish individuality. But
often, teenage rebellion has deeper roots. In some kids, it is an
expression of rebellion that has been latent all along.
(^) Parents sometimes fail to see this. I have spoken with scores of
parents who attributed rebellion to the fact the family had moved, or
their kids took up with new friends, or they started listening to certain
forms of music. While we would readily acknowledge that a family
move can be traumatic and that friends can have a negative influence
and that some music expresses rebellion, the problem runs deeper
than that.
(^) I recall watching a father correct his fourth-grade son. The son
was reproved (in front of others) and forced to obey his father. While
he obeyed, the grimace on his face disclosed his anger and deep
hostility toward his dad. What kept him from open rebellion at that