clear directive. Without a moment of hesitation, he said it would be
far worse to break a cherished vase. This lad has learned the values of
the home. He perceives an unspoken value that says prized vases are
of greater concern to his parents than disobedient boys. These values
are based on hollow and deceptive philosophies.
(^) There are other aspects of family values. What are the boundaries
within the family? Where are the secrets kept and when are they told?
Are relationships with neighbors instinctively open or closed? How
high are the walls around the family? Where can those walls be
penetrated? Some families would never tell their relatives their
problems but would freely disclose everything to a neighbor. Others
would call a brother for help, but never a neighbor who is nearby
(unlike the counsel in Proverbs 27:10). Some children grow up never
knowing how much money Dad earns, while others know the
checkbook balance on any given day. Some parents keep secrets from
their children. Some children share secrets but not with their parents.
Sometimes Mother and the children have secrets from Dad.
Sometimes Dad and the children have secrets from Mom. Every
family has established family boundaries. They may not be spoken or
thought through, but they exist.
Family Roles
(^) Within the family structure there are roles that each family
member plays. Some fathers are involved in every aspect of family
life. Others are busy and distanced from family activities. Subtle
things like who pays the bills or who makes family appointments say
much about family roles. Children have roles within the family, too. I
know one home in which the children are required to put their father’s
socks and shoes on him because he is obese and finds it
uncomfortable. By the cruel and harsh way he requires this service, he
makes powerful shaping statements about their place in family life.
Family Conflict Resolution