your children. Most parents have had this sort of conversation with
their children:
(^) Mom: Why did you hit your sister?
(^) Junior: [pausing, staring at the floor] I don’t know.
(^) Mom: [exasperated] What do you mean, “I don’t know?”
(^) Junior: I don’t know.
(^) And so it goes. Depending on how long Mom’s fuse is, Junior had
better begin knowing something very soon! What is the problem
here? Is it that Junior is simply refusing to talk? Probably not. He is
simply being asked questions he cannot answer. He lacks the depth of
understanding and self-reflection to be able to respond coherently to
his mother’s questions. He needs to have the issues focused in a
different way.
(^) The “Why did you ....” line of questioning never works with
children (and rarely with adults). Here are some more productive
questions:
(^) 1. “What were you feeling when you hit your sister?”
(^) 2. “What did your sister do to make you mad?”
(^) 3. “Help me understand how hitting her seemed to make things
better.”
(^) 4. “What was the problem with what she was doing to you?”
(You need not deny the fact your child has been sinned against.
Perhaps he was sinned against. Let him tell you about it.)
(^) 5. “In what other ways could you have responded?”
(^) 6. “How do you think your response reflected trust or lack of
trust in God’s ability to care for and protect you?”
(^) Each answer to these questions can open other avenues of pursuit
in understanding what was behind Junior’s behavior.
(^) There are many different questions that address his sin and help
him understand the Godward spiritual struggles of his heart and his
need of Christ’s grace and redemption. My point is this: You must