about those memories and talked to a few friends and
colleagues about my experience. It began to be clear to
me that this trauma from years earlier had remained
implicit and was surfacing explicitly only now. I realized
that I had completed my yearlong internship and moved
on to the next phase of my life, never having consciously
reɻected on my painful experiences. I never processed
them in a way that would make them readily available
for later explicit retrieval.
Years later, then, as a young parent, I went through
the painful self-reɻection that allowed me to see this as
an unresolved issue in myself, and I was able to hear my
son’s cries for what they were, without all the baggage
from the past.Unexamined (or dis-integrated) memories cause all kinds ofproblems for any adult trying to live a healthy, relational life.
But for parents, these hidden memories are especially
dangerous, for two main reasons. First of all, even when
they’re very young, our kids can pick up on our feelings of
dread or distress or inadequacy, even if we don’t realize we’re
experiencing them. And when a parent is upset, it’s very
diɽcult for a child to remain calm and happy. Second, implicit
memories can trigger responses from us that cause us to act in
ways we don’t want to. Old feelings of being left out,
abandoned, or put down, by others or by our own parents, can
keep us from being mature, loving, and respectful when we
interact with our kids.
So the next time you ɹnd yourself reacting a bit too strongly