when you’re upset with your kids, ask yourself, “Is my
response here making sense?”
The answer may be, “Yes. The baby’s screaming, my three-year-old just painted the oven blue, and all my eight-year-old
is doing in response is turning up the TV. It makes perfect
sense that I feel like throwing something through the
window!”
At other times, though, the answer may be, “No, thesefeelings don’t make sense. There’s no reason for me to take it
personally that my daughter wants Daddy to read to her
tonight instead of me. I don’t need to be this upset.” Based on
what you now know about implicit memory, an insight like
this is an opportunity to look deeper. If you’re reacting in
ways you can’t explain or justify, it’s probably time to ask,
“What’s going on here? Is this reminding me of something?
And where in the world are my feelings and behavior coming
from?” (We’ll talk more about this process in the “Integrating
Ourselves” section of chapter 6. Also, we recommend Dan’s
book Parenting from the Inside Out, written with Mary Hartzell,
as a great place to begin this journey of exploration.)
By integrating your implicit and explicit memories andshining the light of awareness on diɽcult moments from your
past, you can gain insight into how your past is impacting your
relationship with your children. You can remain watchful for
how your issues are aʃecting your own mood as well as how
your kids feel. When you feel incompetent, frustrated, or
overly reactive, you can look at what’s behind those feelings
and explore whether they are connected to something in your
past. Then you can bring your former experiences into the