four-year-old; your memory of laughing hysterically together,
just a few minutes earlier, as you played cards; the promise
you made that you were going to stop grabbing your children’s
arms when you’re angry; your desire to model appropriate
expressions of anger.
This is how we become swept up by the rim when we’re notintegrated via the hub. The downstairs brain takes over any
integrative functioning of the upstairs area, and other rim
points are eclipsed by the glare of this single point of your all-
consuming anger. Remember “flipping your lid”?
What do you need to do in a moment like this? Yep, youguessed it: integrate. Use your mindsight. By focusing on your
breath, you can at least begin to get back to the hub of your
mind. This is the required step that allows us to pull back from
being consumed by a single angry point on the rim—or a few
of them. Once in the hub, it becomes possible to take in the
wider perspective that there are other rim points to keep in
mind. You can get some water, take a break and stretch, or
give yourself a moment to collect yourself. Then, once you’ve
brought your attention back to your hub, you’ll be free to
choose how you want to respond to your child and if
necessary repair any breach in your relationship.
This doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior. Not at all. In fact,one of the rim points you’ll integrate with the others is your
belief in setting clear and consistent boundaries. There are
many perspectives you can embrace, from desires for your
child to act in a diʃerent way to feelings of concern over how
you’ve acted in response. When you link all these different rim
points together—when you’ve used the hub to integrate your