The Whole-Brain Child

largest wall in the room. In addition, he had removed Logan’s two
soccer trophies from the shelf and set up his own bobblehead dolls
in their place. Colin had piled all of Logan’s belongings in a corner
of the room, he explained, “so they wouldn’t be in the way.”
When Sandy got home she and Ron talked about their frustration
with their older son. They sincerely believed that there was no
malice in Colin’s actions. In fact, that was almost the problem: he
never even considered Logan’s feelings enough to intend to hurt
him. He redecorated the room for the same reason he always took
the last slice of pizza: he just didn’t think about others.
This issue is a common one for parents. We want our kids to be
caring and considerate so they can enjoy meaningful relationships.
Sometimes we fear that because they’re not as kind (or
compassionate or grateful or generous) as we want them to be,
they never will be. Of course, we can’t expect a seven-year-old to
behave as if he were an enlightened adult. Sure, we want our kids
to become men and women who are strong and forgiving and
respectful and loving, but that’s a bit much to expect of someone
who’s just recently learned to tie his shoes.
However, while it’s important to trust the process and know that
much of what we want for our kids will emerge only over time, we
can prepare them and steer them toward becoming children, teens,
and ultimately adults who are fully capable of participating in
relationships and considering the feelings of others. Some people
simply have fewer neural connections in their circuitry in charge of
empathy and relationships. Just like kids who have trouble reading
need to practice and grow those connections in their brain, kids
who have diɽculty relating to others need to have those
connections encouraged and cultivated. And just as a learning
disability is a sign of a mental challenge, so is an inability to feel
someone else’s pain. It’s a developmental issue, not necessarily a
character problem. Even children who don’t seem predisposed to