Step 1: Connect with the Right
In our society, we’re trained to work things out using our words
and our logic. But when your four-year-old is absolutely furious
because he can’t walk on the ceiling like Spider-Man (as Tina’s son
once was), that’s probably not the best time to give him an
introductory lesson in the laws of physics. Or when your eleven-
year-old is feeling hurt because it seems that his sister is receiving
preferential treatment (as Dan’s son felt on occasion), the
appropriate response isn’t to get out a scorecard showing that you
reprimand each of your children in equal measure.
Instead, we can use these opportunities to realize that at these
moments, logic isn’t our primary vehicle for bringing some sort of
sanity to the conversation. (Seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it?) It’s
also crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and
frustrating our child’s feelings may seem to us, they are real and
important to our child. It’s vital that we treat them as such in our
response.
During Tina’s conversation with her son, she appealed to his
right brain by acknowledging his feelings. She also used nonverbal
signals like physical touch, empathetic facial expressions, a
nurturing tone of voice, and nonjudgmental listening. In other
words, she used her right brain to connect and communicate with
his right brain. This right-to-right attunement helped bring his brain
into balance, or into a more integrated state. Then she could begin
to appeal to her son’s left brain and address the speciɹc issues he
had raised. In other words, then it was time for step 2, which helps
to integrate the left and the right.
Step 2: Redirect with the Left
After responding with the right, Tina could then redirect with the