Instead, she engaged the upstairs brain by ɹrst directing her
daughter to use more precise and speciɹc words for how she was
feeling (“Are you feeling really mad because I didn’t get you that
necklace?”). Then she asked her daughter to work with her to be a
problem solver. Once the girl asks, “How do we do that?” the
mother knows that the upstairs brain is engaged. Her daughter is
now able to discuss the issue with her mom in a way she couldn’t
just a few seconds ago. Now they can brainstorm together about
getting another necklace at the store or making one at home. The
mother can also now talk to her daughter about how to use her
words when she’s angry.
Every time we say “Convince me” or “Come up with a solution
that works for both of us,” we give our kids the chance to practice
problem solving and decision making. We help them consider
appropriate behaviors and consequences, and we help them think
about what another person feels and wants. All because we found a
way to engage the upstairs, instead of enraging the downstairs.
Whole-Brain Strategy #4:
Use It or Lose It: Exercising the Upstairs Brain
In addition to appealing to our children’s upstairs brain, we also
want to help them exercise it. The upstairs brain is like a muscle:
when it gets used, it develops, gets stronger, and performs better.
And when it gets ignored, it doesn’t develop optimally, losing some
of its power and ability to function. That’s what we mean by “use
it or lose it.” We want to be intentional about developing the
upstairs brain of our children. As we’ve been saying, a strong
upstairs brain balances out the downstairs brain, and is essential
for social and emotional intelligence. It’s the foundation of solid
mental health. Our job is to provide our kids with opportunity