But don’t forget: parenting crises are openings for growthand integration. You can use the moments when you feel
yourself losing control as opportunities to model self-
regulation. Little eyes are watching to see how you calm
yourself down. Your actions set an example of how to make a
good choice in a high-emotion moment when you’re in danger
of flipping your lid.
So what do you do when you recognize that your downstairsbrain has taken over and you’ve begun to lose your mind?
First, do no harm. Close your mouth to avoid saying
something you’ll regret. Put your hands behind your back to
avoid any kind of rough physical contact. When you’re in a
downstairs moment, protect your child at all costs.
Second, remove yourself from the situation and collectyourself. There’s nothing wrong with taking a breather,
especially when it means protecting your child. You can tell
her you need a break to calm down so she doesn’t feel
rejected. Then, although it might feel a bit silly at times, try
out the “move it or lose it” technique. Do jumping jacks. Try
some yoga stretches. Take slow, deep breaths. Do whatever it
takes to regain some of the control you lost when your
amygdala hijacked your upstairs brain. You’ll not only move
into a more integrated state yourself, but also model for your
kids some quick self-regulation tricks they can use.
Finally, repair. Quickly. Reconnect with your child as soonas you are calm and feeling more in control of yourself. Then
deal with whatever emotional and relational harm has been
done. This may involve your expressing forgiveness, but it
may also require that you apologize and accept responsibility