Whether we like it or not, every one of us is destined to be triggered by
our children in some profound, elemental way. We are going to, at some
point or another, just “lose it.” We are going to shout, even scream. We
are going to call them a name we never thought we would. It’s important
to accept that if we are triggered by our child, this is normal. I tell
myself that, when I’m triggered, I will own the aspects of my shadow
that feel threatening and embrace the lessons my child teaches me about
myself. In one way or another, each of us will have to confront our
“shadow parent,” with its overwhelming desire for control.
Having acknowledged that we will at times react, to repeatedly lose
our temper in the most childish of ways is humiliating. It doesn’t feel
good to yell at our children. When we are on the verge of losing it in
such a way, hopefully our parents allow us to drop them off, preferably
for the next year.
The reality is that as much as you need to be present to your children’s
emotions, you absolutely need to be present to your own, allowing
yourself to metabolize what you are feeling. Only in this way can you
avoid projecting your emotions onto your children.
In situations in which you feel you are coming apart at the seams, it’s
tempting to revert to the traditional hierarchical form of the
parentversus-child model of raising children. However, if you take this
route, you are likely to pay a heavy price in your children’s teen years
and beyond. To become conscious in the way you parent may be painful
initially, but in the long run it’s by far the preferable choice.
michael s
(Michael S)
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