The Conscious Parent

with her, she reminded him of all she had done for him, how much she
had sacrificed for him, how she had dedicated her life to him, controlling
him with tears and evocations of pity. Nate’s father even blamed him,
albeit in the most subtle of ways, for taking his wife from him.
Feeling beholden to his mother, as if it were his responsibility to make
her happy in the way her own parents and husband failed to do, Nate felt
trapped. Although he wanted to study abroad, he remained within a two-
block radius of his childhood home, dating only those girls he thought
his mother would approve of, because he sensed that to move away
would kill his mother. Believing himself to be her only salvation, he was
a victim to her victimhood, a martyr to her martyrdom.
When Nate eventually fell in love, it was with someone who was as
controlling as his mother, with the ability to evoke a mountain of guilt in
him just as his mother did. It was only a matter of time before his wife
and his mother were competing for his attention. When he became a
father, his mother was even more threatened and played endless games
with his mind, resorting to her childhood ways of seeking attention, such
as hypochondriacal states. Laying claim to her son’s attention in any
manner she could, Martha’s self-absorption, coupled with Nate’s
inability to create a healthy separation from her, eventually precipitated
a rift in his marriage.
Many women especially grow up with aspects of the martyr role. We
unconsciously imbibe the belief we are supposed to take care of others,
drawing our sense of purpose from doing so. When this eventually leaves
us dissatisfied, we exaggerate this dissatisfaction to our advantage,
thereby binding the object of our care to us. Since to own our emotional