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CHAPTER 15

Connect to Your Child with Engaged Presence

any of us mistake the business of parenting—the cooking,
homework, dropping off and picking up—with being
“present” for our children. Though we may be present for
their material, physical, and even intellectual needs, this doesn’t mean we
are present for their emotional and spiritual needs.
Meeting our children’s need for connection requires a particular set of
skills. It means we listen to our children, truly hearing what they are
saying, without feeling we have to fix, correct, or lecture. To achieve
this, we have to observe their body, including their gestures, affect, and
energy. These we allow to soak in with awakened receptivity.
Many of us have great trouble bringing our presence to our children.
Without our realizing, we generally ask that our children relate to us and
our state of being. Though we imagine we are engaging with our
children, we are really forcing them to engage with us. To identify the
way we subtly shift the energy to ourselves, instead of bringing our
energy to our children, has the power to change a child’s life. When I ask
parents who complain that their teens refuse to talk to them how they
know this to be the case, they say something like, “He’s always watching
television and won’t turn it off to talk to me.” Often the parent
complains, “She is forever on the phone and won’t spend time with me.”
Or I hear, “All he wants to do is play video games. I can’t stand video
games. What am I supposed to do?” Then there’s the parent who