The Conscious Parent

was to brush her fear away by responding, “Oh, don’t be silly. Don’t you
see how many children are going on the rides?” Or I might reassure her,
“Nothing is going to happen to you because I’m with you.” I hear so
many parents tell their children,
“Don’t be scared. There’s nothing to be scared of.”
I curbed this reaction when, after a moment of reflection, it became
clear to me that she wasn’t going to feel less scared just because I told
her not to be scared. Instead, I said to her, “Of course you are scared. I
am too. In fact, I’m very scared. But this is the whole point—to shiver
and tremble, and still go on the adventure.” She got it. Soon we were
both waiting in line, muttering to ourselves, “I’m so scared! I’m so
scared!” Instead of becoming afraid of our fear, we became excited by it.
When we went on the ride and came out fine on the other side, I was able
to underscore the importance of taking a risk even though we are fearful.
We think we need to teach our children not to be afraid, not to be
angry, or not to be sad. But why shouldn’t they be scared if they are
scared? Why shouldn’t they be sad if they are sad? Why would we ask
them to dishonor their feelings? We help them most not when we try to
banish their emotions, but when we equip them to navigate such
emotions.
In whatever experience we are going through together, no matter how
mundane, we can encourage our children to give voice to what they are
feeling in a straightforwardly factual manner, such as, “I’m sad my
friend couldn’t come over,” “I feel scared in the dark,” or, “It’s loud in
here.”