The Conscious Parent

my past am I bringing to my present?” Once we have addressed our own
internal state, we will be able to determine whether we are in a position to
respond to our child in a manner that’s warranted, or whether our
judgment is presently obscured by our own anxiety.
One of my friends accompanied my daughter, who was three years old
at the time, and myself to the beach. During the day, my daughter
behaved like a monster—screaming, flailing, and in general acting like a
lunatic. I was horrified. I had so wanted to impress my friend, so wanted
her to admire me as one of the “best” mothers, with a “best behaved”
child. Coming from ego, I took my daughter’s behavior personally,
becoming livid with her for humiliating me. Pulling her aside, I gave her
the snarliest, meanest look I was capable of, which predictably resulted
in her crying even more loudly.
Now I became really reactive. “I will never, ever bring you to the
beach for as long as we both live,” I swore to her. This of course
produced still more crying. Escalating my threats, I told her, “I will
never, ever let you watch Elmo or give you candy again. Neither will I
take you to the park, nor to eat pizza, ever again.” Finally, she had the
sense to be quiet and let mommy have her tantrum instead. During the
rest of the day, she behaved like an angel.
Feeling personally attacked had caused me to lose my center. The
result was that instead of helping my daughter regulate her emotions, I
shushed her with threats for the sake of my ego, caring more about how I
looked in my friend’s eyes than about correcting my child’s behavior.
Indeed, the only thing my daughter learned was to be scared of mommy,
because mommy sometimes loses it—and all because I interpreted her