The Conscious Parent

give them a stern look and make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable
behavior. When they test you by asking for candy or more television
time when they are seven, you end their manipulation and lay out your
boundaries. When they slam the door in your face at age eight, you enter
their room and calmly but unequivocally call them on their show of
disrespect. When they are distracted while doing homework at age nine,
you sit with them day in and day out until they learn how to still their
spirit and honor their work—and you resist doing the work for them,
helping only when they are truly unable to do something themselves.
When they pretend they don’t hear you or talk back to you when they are
ten, you rise to the occasion and teach them that this behavior is
unacceptable. When they lie or steal from you when they are eleven, you
become even firmer, allowing the consequences of this behavior to be
experienced. In other words, you take your children’s behavior seriously.
Let me offer several real-life situations that illustrate how this
approach fleshes out in practice. I’ll start with a mother who asks her
daughter to pick up her shoes and put them in the closet. The daughter
ignores her. The mother asks her again. No response. The mother doesn’t
ask again, but later picks up the shoes herself.
What needs to happen in this situation? The mother offers her daughter
a chance to self-correct. If her daughter doesn’t do so, the mother matter-
of-factly redirects her to the task at hand, either physically or verbally,
without attaching any emotional interpretation to her daughter’s
behavior. It’s vital that the mother doesn’t disengage until the task has
been completed. If the mother manifests sufficient presence, her
daughter will respond because authentic presence is magnetic. When she