The Conscious Parent

they could apologize to him for their negligence and try to change their
working hours, or arrange for someone else to cover, so that a caring
adult is at home for him when he returns. His parents also need to spend
quality time with him every day.
Children aren’t designed to jump at our every command, and neither
should they do so. Having said this, they need to understand the
boundaries of their behavior so they are clear about what’s expected of
them and what isn’t. We can only teach them this when we feel, from
deep within, our right to teach this—and our right to receive respect.
This isn’t a matter of demanding respect in an egoic way, but of being so
present that we command respect.
When we are mindful of the balance between flexibility and structure,
we are able to let our children play freely and be wildly expressive
within the bounds of what’s appropriate. If they cross the line, they need
to be provided with structure. It’s in the continual dance between letting
go and stepping in that parents have the opportunity to teach their
children to be their own container.
First, we need to be clear what the boundaries are ourselves. Many of
us are afraid of stepping into our children’s space and gently yet firmly
taking them by their shoulders and guiding them to where they need to
go. Because we are afraid of confrontation and owning our own sense of
power, we let our children do as they please, preferring to be mad at
them instead of taking the strong action needed to adjust their behavior.
A classic example of this is Robin, whose four-year-old daughter Jolyn
never took naps during the day and consequently was a mess by
nighttime. Wound up in a highly excitable state, she was extremely