The Conscious Parent

into my world. I had to recalibrate my expectations, letting go of my
fantasies. So caught up was I in who I thought she should be that, for a
long time, I couldn’t believe she was who she was. To embrace the fact
that this is the daughter I have been blessed with has proved more
difficult than actually dealing with her. Isn’t this so for most of us as
parents? Often it’s the adjustment of our expectations, rather than reality
itself, that’s the hurdle we have to leap.
When we accept our children for who they are, we mistakenly believe
this is to passively allow them to continue with behavior that may be
destructive. Passivity isn’t at all what I have in mind. I’m speaking of
accepting our children’s being, the as is state of their nature. Accepting
is foundational. Adjusting their behavior to be more in line with their
essential being comes later.
If our children are behaving in a manner we deem to be “bad” out of a
sense of defiance, the appropriate response is firmness. If they are being
“bad” because they are having trouble handling painful emotions, we
need to be understanding. If they are needy and clingy, we may need to
be cuddly and attentive, or—if we have been overly attentive and haven’t
fostered independence in them—we may need to help them learn to be
content in themselves and comfortable being alone. If they are feeling
private and quiet, we need to give them space and respect their desire for
disengagement. If they are boisterous and playful at an appropriate time,
we need to allow them to bask in their joy without interference. If they
are boisterous and playful when it’s time to do homework, we need to
contain them and bring them to a state of attention and focus.
Acceptance of our children can take the form of any of the following: