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CHAPTER 4

A Blow to Our Ego

o   give    your    children    the total   acceptance  they    deserve will

expose  you to  the diamond of  the spiritual   tradition:  the chance

to  lose    your    ego.

As  parents,    it’s    hard    not to  be  egoic.  By  the very    fact    we  say,    “This   is

my  child,” we  enter   into    ego.    Indeed, we  are rarely  not in  ego when    it

comes   to  our children,   for there   is  nothing we  take    more    personally  than

how they    fare    in  school, how they    look,   who they    marry,  where   they    live,

and what    they    do  for a   living. Few parents can allow   their   children    to

exist   without seeing  them    as  an  extension   of  their   own ego.    I   asked   a

group   of  parents why they    had children.   Their   answers included,   “I

wanted  to  experience  what    it  was like,”  “I  love    children,”  “I  wanted  to

become  a   mother,”    “I  wanted  a   family,”    and,    “I  wanted  to  prove   to

everyone    I   could   be  a   good    mother.”    In  each    case,   the reason  for wanting

children    was infused with    ego.    This    is  doubtless   the case    with    many    of

us.

Parenting   is  a   journey that    tends   to  begin   with    a   high    level   of  egoic

narcissism, an  energy  we  take    into    our relationship    with    our child.  The

consequence is  that    we  can easily, though  in  many    cases   inadvertently,

fall    into    the trap    of  using   our children    to  fill    some    need    in  ourselves,  all

the while   under   the illusion    that    we  are loving, giving  of  ourselves,  and

nurturing.  We  use them    to  try to  heal    our broken  self,   use them    by

thrusting   them    into    roles   in  the family  that    aren’t  theirs  by  right,  use