It took Charlie one night to learn a lesson Jim had spent years trying to
teach him. And it happened because Jim was empathetic and allowed the
consequences to do the teaching.
Had Jim paddled his kids or taken away television privileges, he
wouldn’t have been nearly as effective in teaching his kids the lesson
about the importance of a good night’s sleep. He would have been using
punishment, and the real world by and large doesn’t operate on
punishment.
Hurting from the Inside Out
As we give our kids control, we remember that control can corrupt, and
absolute control can corrupt absolutely. Learning how to handle power
and control is essential if our children are to grow to be good leaders. As
children misuse their power and control, unwise parents show frustration,
anger, and often plead. Wise parents allow natural and imposed
consequences to do the teaching. And they are empathetic. When Abe, a
star basketball player, used his power and influence incorrectly and was
barred from playing in three important games, his dad was secretly very
pleased. But what he said to Abe was, “I know that the coach’s call makes
you very unhappy, but I’m sure you can handle it. At this point, do you
blame the coach entirely, or do you think there may have been things you
could have handled differently?” So control and power are handled like
money. We rejoice when the child handles them correctly, and we show
empathy without rescue when unwise choices result in consternation,
pain, and regret.
Imagine yourself banging a fender in the parking lot at work. You feel
bad about it, and when you come home that evening, you explain the
accident to your spouse. “What!” your loving mate shrieks. “That really
makes me mad. You know how you wanted to go skiing this weekend?
Well, forget it. You’re grounded!”
A ridiculous scenario? Of course. As adults we don’t get grounded
when we mess up in life; nobody washes our mouths out with soap when