Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

going to do.”
So far so good. Michelle had the control she needed, and Brianne, with
all her thinking, was owning the problem and devising solutions. But then
Michelle slipped up and said, “Because you refuse to study, you’re not
going to the party on Friday.”
“What do you mean I’m not going to the party?” Brianne yelled. “It’s
not my fault I got a D! You should see the words that teacher gives. She
never gives us time to study, and she never helps me when I raise my
hand. It’s just not fair!”
Allowing consequences while showing empathy is one of the toughest
parts of Love and Logic parenting. Anger is such an appealing emotion,
especially when we use it on our children. Punishment makes us feel so
powerful. It makes us think we’re in control. Anger and punishment, put
in concert with each other, provide a deadly duo of counterproductive
parenting.
The entire lesson Brianne was learning was demolished by Michelle’s
punishment. For the consequences to have any benefit, we must
commiserate with our kids, not yell at them. They have nobody to be
angry with but themselves when we show sadness. Because of
punishment, Brianne had her mom to blame.
We are constantly giving messages to our kids, but the overriding
message of all must be one telling them they’re okay. They may be
having a hard time with their lives, they may have made a mistake and
will have to live with the consequences, but we’re in their corner and love
them just the same. Empathy about the consequences shows our kids that
kind of love. It allows the logic of the consequences to do the teaching.